to cut or not to cut, that is the question.

I'm indecisive. (Read: extremely indecisive.) I have enough trouble deciding whether to eat mashed potatoes with a spoon or a fork. Life altering decision, right? I'm a flip flopper and often make a decision and soon after, change my mind. Please tell me there are doctors and scientists working on a cure for this detrimental condition...

The decision to cut my hair or leave it long is one that plagues me constantly (yes, it's that serious folks). When my hair is long, I want it short. When my hair is short, I want it long. That is typically how it goes. I'm currently in the "I want short hair" phase however, yesterday I spotted a picture of my celebrity doppelganger Carrie Underwood (a woman once approached me in the grocery store told me she had to look twice... no lie... biggest. compliment. ever.) and her lovely, long and flowy, messy curly locks and changed my tune.

But then, today, I read through some of my favorite blogs and spotted the cutest short do I've seen in a while and I want! Check it out here: http://www.mannland5.com/. Sooo adorbs!

I know hair grows back so it's no biggie... I'm just the most indecisive person you'll ever meet. I also feel like I'm off schedule. While most girls seem to chop just before summer, I chop in the middle of winter. Don't know why... just seems to happen that way and then I'm jealous of all of the other girls with their long locks providing warmth for their neck while mine is bare and sporting goosebumps.

The other aspect to all of this is that I've never really liked any haircut I've gotten. I've been to many stylists, some who have charged me an arm and a leg and friends who have done it for free, and have been less than thrilled each time. I'm also getting a little fed up with the lines I hear from all of the stylists when I bring a picture in of what I'd like my hair to look like. "You have a different texture to your hair." "Your hair is too thick for that style." Etc., etc., etc. There has got to be one hairstyle in the entire world that I like, that is possible on me.

Here's a picture of my current do, or lack there of, (straightened today, and most days because I don't know what else to do with it), with a few layers. I'm just not feeling it... I want glitz, glam, spunk and sass! I want the wow factor!

(this is not wow)

Any suggestions? It's (sort of) spring.... so should I chop or keep growing out? Does anyone know how to get that beachy wave look? Maybe if I could figure out how to do something else with my hair how it is, I'd stress less about whether to cut it or not. Sigh... such big decisions a girl has to make.

P.S. Has anyone else been secretly counting down the days to the Grey's Anatomy Musical episode like I have?!?!?!

falling short.

I've been MIA lately. For those of you who actually read my blog, I apologize. Work has been a bit hectic lately and we've been redoing our living room/dining room and trying to get some sleep in between.

On to the title of this post... falling short. This is a sentiment I've been feeling for quite some time, 6 years to be exact (just after my dad died and I felt like the world had come crashing down on me), and while I'm usually pretty good at not letting myself over think this feeling, I've had a lot of trouble doing so lately. When nothing is going right, when you feel like you're trying to do everything possible to live up to these crazy expectations you've set for yourself and you're never quite able to, when you see other people accomplishing their goals and living their dreams (even if you've accomplished some pretty amazing things yourself) you start to think to yourself, why can't I do that, and it becomes difficult to refrain from being hard on yourself, and thinking constantly that you're not good enough and you're always falling short.

So here I sit on my Pottery Barn sectional (I've always wanted one of these because 1. they are the most comfortable things in the world and 2. because I wanted to be able to say that I have a Pottery Barn couch - this is one of those crazy expectations I set for myself, I'm willing to admit, because having one seemed like a right of passage, and I wanted to be in the club - absolutely ridiculous right?) in my running clothes (somehow I mustered enough mental energy to take that step) wondering how I'm going to convince my depressed, over emotional self to go for a run and wondering how to pull myself out of this funk.

What am I doing wrong? Why does it seem like I can never anything right? Does my PB Comfort really make me as happy as I thought it would, especially since it's a lot lighter than what I really wanted (fail). Why does weightloss on my part require eating pickles and celery and working out for an hour everyday - to see a .5lb weight loss at the end of the week and why does it matter how much I weigh? Why do I have to care so much? Why is there something wrong with just about everything in my house? Why is that just when I start to feel good about myself and start to have the feeling that something is finally going right, something goes wrong? Why does it see like in everything I do, I fall short?

On top of all of this, my in-laws are not speaking to me. That is one hell of a long story which I won't bore you with but to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what I did to deserve this treatment especially after being verbally attacked by them and having them question my upbringing. It hasn't been pretty to say the least. It's complicated and hubs and I have been going to counseling to deal with it - that's how difficult it's gotten. This situation obviously wouldn't make anyone feel that great, and has only added to the self-inflicted stress I'm feeling about all aspects of my life.

Why can't I just be happy. I know that no one can be completely happy every day of their life but I would say that I'm unhappy more often than not. I just can't seem to do anything right. It's always almost right, but not quite right. I don't want to be unhappy. I want to enjoy myself, my house, my husband, my friends and my family but that is extremely difficult when you feel like you just don't measure up, you're always falling short.

Thanks for listening (reading). I apologize that my first post in weeks is something so depressing. Hopefully soon I will be able to post pictures of the living room/dining room re-do... that is, if nothing else goes wrong...