owning the hot potato.

After a few month hiatus from the blogging world, I'm back with a much greater sense of clarity and direction, not only in things I want to blog about, but in my life. There have been some ongoing family issues which have caused me great stress and anxiety and though I haven't completely come to terms with those issues, I'm dealing with them head on and learning how to manage my emotions. Since April, we've done some traveling in Europe (post to come soon!), gone on our yearly family beach vacation (book suggestions to come soon!), made some minor (read very minor) updates to the house, have continued to work out and started actually eating healthier, rather than just talking about eating healthier, and maybe, just maybe we've gotten closer to "being ready"... wink wink

To recap the family situation, and put it to blog-rest (apologies for the length of this), all hell broke loose, so to speak, after Christmas (yes, 7 months ago) with my in-laws, and some pretty horrible things were said about me and my family. Since then I've seen my MIL once for Mother's Day (which I suggested for the sake of my husband and which ended horribly) and I've exchanged maybe 2 emails with my SIL (though I've sent a countless number and have received no reply). Neither one has attempted to make amends with us (even though we've tried on a few occasions to meet them in the middle) and at this point, hubs has more of a pen pal relationship with his mother than anything else. Things got so uncomfortable a few months ago that we decided to go speak with a counselor who provided us with a third party opinion of the situation. After 5 sessions, we concluded, with the help of the counselor, that the best direction for us was to learn to cope with our own emotions and anxieties and to takes steps towards worrying less about how other people feel, what they think and things they say, no matter how hurtful or upsetting.

At first this seemed extremely unfair to me. I've been called names and unfairly accused of extremely hurtful things and I'm supposed to sit back and take it and deal with my emotions internally rather than expressing the hurt I'm feeling? Absolutely. With the amount of emotional distress that my MIL and SIL are dealing with, I've become the scapegoat for their problems (as diagnosed by the counselor). MIL and SIL seem to view me as their common ground to come together and use as sort of a punching bag, allowing them to overlook their own issues and instead point out any flaw they believe I have. Reacting only adds fuel to the fire. The counselor described it as similar to playing the game "Hot Potato". Not wanting to be the last one holding the hot potato, one throws it to the next person to avoid being the last person holding the potato. This metaphor certainly describes the back and forths we had when everything unfolded and is the reason that a resolution was never reached; why we never were able to meet in the middle. No one ever wanted to be left holding the hot potato.

I own the hot potato now and I will continue to be it's keeper. I have not reacted outwardly when I'm upset by them. I have refrained from expressing the hurt I'm feeling, not only for myself but for my husband who feels family-less and I've started "accepting", for lack of a better word, the position my in-laws are putting me in, without letting it define me. Hubs is disappointed in his family and the entire situation but we plan to hold on tight to the hot potato, deal with our own anxieties over the situation and play the waiting game. I have to say, the lack of fighting and interacting altogether has been much better than the constant criticism we received before. Since we've stopped reacting, they've stopped reacting. The only issue however, is that our relationships aren't going to mend themselves. We've reached out to them multiple times and have yet to receive the response we've hoped for. We're going to continue to hold out hope.

Moving on... the hubs was traveling for work recently and I had a chance to go visit him for about a week - Vienna, Austria and Prague, Czech Republic are beautiful this time of year! I highly recommend Prague! Also, we may or may not have highly considered and acted (ahem) on the possibility of a baby when I visited him, but we now know it wasn't our time. I'm ok with that, but I will admit that there was a moment of extreme happiness when it hit me that I could potentially be pregnant, followed by a freak out session - so yeah, maybe it was for the best, for the time being.

Like I said, clarity and direction. I feel like I'm finally catching up to my self imposed life to-do list in addition to the lists I make for myself everyday, and I'm ready to start having a bit more fun.

If you've made it through this ridiculously long, information overloaded post, I suggest you reward yourself with one of these delicious morsels. They are to. die. for!

Funner (yes, funner) posts to come! I promise!

bruised nose + broken margarita glass + malfunctioning A/C unit = Easter 2011 Success!

Despite having a margarita glass fall off the top of the refrigerator (I know - not the best location), hitting me on the bridge of my nose leaving lovely bruising then shattering to the floor into itty bitty pieces, and a malfunctioning A/C unit leaving all 8 of my guests a bit sweaty and forcing us to eat by dim light, Easter 2011 was a great success! The food was delish, the company was wonderful and Apples to Apples did not disappoint!

Here are just a few pictures of the fun I had decorating and baking for Easter! Hope you all had just as wonderful a day as I did!

to cut or not to cut, that is the question.

I'm indecisive. (Read: extremely indecisive.) I have enough trouble deciding whether to eat mashed potatoes with a spoon or a fork. Life altering decision, right? I'm a flip flopper and often make a decision and soon after, change my mind. Please tell me there are doctors and scientists working on a cure for this detrimental condition...

The decision to cut my hair or leave it long is one that plagues me constantly (yes, it's that serious folks). When my hair is long, I want it short. When my hair is short, I want it long. That is typically how it goes. I'm currently in the "I want short hair" phase however, yesterday I spotted a picture of my celebrity doppelganger Carrie Underwood (a woman once approached me in the grocery store told me she had to look twice... no lie... biggest. compliment. ever.) and her lovely, long and flowy, messy curly locks and changed my tune.

But then, today, I read through some of my favorite blogs and spotted the cutest short do I've seen in a while and I want! Check it out here: http://www.mannland5.com/. Sooo adorbs!

I know hair grows back so it's no biggie... I'm just the most indecisive person you'll ever meet. I also feel like I'm off schedule. While most girls seem to chop just before summer, I chop in the middle of winter. Don't know why... just seems to happen that way and then I'm jealous of all of the other girls with their long locks providing warmth for their neck while mine is bare and sporting goosebumps.

The other aspect to all of this is that I've never really liked any haircut I've gotten. I've been to many stylists, some who have charged me an arm and a leg and friends who have done it for free, and have been less than thrilled each time. I'm also getting a little fed up with the lines I hear from all of the stylists when I bring a picture in of what I'd like my hair to look like. "You have a different texture to your hair." "Your hair is too thick for that style." Etc., etc., etc. There has got to be one hairstyle in the entire world that I like, that is possible on me.

Here's a picture of my current do, or lack there of, (straightened today, and most days because I don't know what else to do with it), with a few layers. I'm just not feeling it... I want glitz, glam, spunk and sass! I want the wow factor!

(this is not wow)

Any suggestions? It's (sort of) spring.... so should I chop or keep growing out? Does anyone know how to get that beachy wave look? Maybe if I could figure out how to do something else with my hair how it is, I'd stress less about whether to cut it or not. Sigh... such big decisions a girl has to make.

P.S. Has anyone else been secretly counting down the days to the Grey's Anatomy Musical episode like I have?!?!?!

falling short.

I've been MIA lately. For those of you who actually read my blog, I apologize. Work has been a bit hectic lately and we've been redoing our living room/dining room and trying to get some sleep in between.

On to the title of this post... falling short. This is a sentiment I've been feeling for quite some time, 6 years to be exact (just after my dad died and I felt like the world had come crashing down on me), and while I'm usually pretty good at not letting myself over think this feeling, I've had a lot of trouble doing so lately. When nothing is going right, when you feel like you're trying to do everything possible to live up to these crazy expectations you've set for yourself and you're never quite able to, when you see other people accomplishing their goals and living their dreams (even if you've accomplished some pretty amazing things yourself) you start to think to yourself, why can't I do that, and it becomes difficult to refrain from being hard on yourself, and thinking constantly that you're not good enough and you're always falling short.

So here I sit on my Pottery Barn sectional (I've always wanted one of these because 1. they are the most comfortable things in the world and 2. because I wanted to be able to say that I have a Pottery Barn couch - this is one of those crazy expectations I set for myself, I'm willing to admit, because having one seemed like a right of passage, and I wanted to be in the club - absolutely ridiculous right?) in my running clothes (somehow I mustered enough mental energy to take that step) wondering how I'm going to convince my depressed, over emotional self to go for a run and wondering how to pull myself out of this funk.

What am I doing wrong? Why does it seem like I can never anything right? Does my PB Comfort really make me as happy as I thought it would, especially since it's a lot lighter than what I really wanted (fail). Why does weightloss on my part require eating pickles and celery and working out for an hour everyday - to see a .5lb weight loss at the end of the week and why does it matter how much I weigh? Why do I have to care so much? Why is there something wrong with just about everything in my house? Why is that just when I start to feel good about myself and start to have the feeling that something is finally going right, something goes wrong? Why does it see like in everything I do, I fall short?

On top of all of this, my in-laws are not speaking to me. That is one hell of a long story which I won't bore you with but to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what I did to deserve this treatment especially after being verbally attacked by them and having them question my upbringing. It hasn't been pretty to say the least. It's complicated and hubs and I have been going to counseling to deal with it - that's how difficult it's gotten. This situation obviously wouldn't make anyone feel that great, and has only added to the self-inflicted stress I'm feeling about all aspects of my life.

Why can't I just be happy. I know that no one can be completely happy every day of their life but I would say that I'm unhappy more often than not. I just can't seem to do anything right. It's always almost right, but not quite right. I don't want to be unhappy. I want to enjoy myself, my house, my husband, my friends and my family but that is extremely difficult when you feel like you just don't measure up, you're always falling short.

Thanks for listening (reading). I apologize that my first post in weeks is something so depressing. Hopefully soon I will be able to post pictures of the living room/dining room re-do... that is, if nothing else goes wrong...

who died and made you king of anything?

Let me just begin by saying that I've reached the boiling point and I'm beyond fed up. I've tried to avoid using my blog as a place to vent, in case family members happen to read it (I haven't openly shared it with close friends/relatives but it is a public forum...) but I think I need some feedback from unbiased sources. I apologize in advance for all the ranting and raving of which I'm sure this post will consist...

For your entertainment/listening pleasure (and what an appropriate song for this rant...)

When hubs and I got married, we were well aware of the fact that issues would arise with his family and that we'd need to take each day in stride. I never however, foresaw any problems or issues that would escalate to the level that it has recently reached.

If you've read past posts of mine, you'd know that both hubs dad and my dad passed away within years of each other and while my mom found a way to handle her grief and move forward, hubs mother did not. She is very much stuck in the past, as is his sister which makes everything (and I seriously mean everything) more difficult. Everything is a big deal to them, holidays, get togethers, parties, things that they never made a big deal of before we were married. Every decision we make is a big deal to them. Every comment we make, every move we make - huge deal. Anything we do or say has been met with criticism which has been completely unwarranted (and I'm speaking as unbiasedly as I possibly can). They constantly state that any argument or issue we run into would never happen if their son/brother wasn't married, and had never happened previous to being married (well, duh!) but they use this argument to blame and get digs in at me pretty regularly. I'm blamed, indirectly and directly at times, for most problems that arise between us.

We've been told that we're selfish and that we have been since planning the wedding (over a year later) and we've been told that we need to stop trying to make everyone happy. Oxymoron much? I've recently been called classless and have been told that I lack manners and my upbringing has even been called into question. They are unhappy with any decision we make and for the most part we've chosen not to share everything with them in order to avoid any backlash which we are more than sure we'd receive - isn't that sad? It feels as though we/I can do nothing right in their eyes, no matter how perfect a daughter in law and sister in law I try to be. They are some of the most difficult people you'd ever come in contact with. They criticize and they complain and if something doesn't go their way they'll let you know about it and find a way to blame you for it. These recent accusations and comments about my behavior have been so extremely hurtful to me as they've been said in order to be hurtful and not because there is any truth behind it. It feels at times like they are trying to put me in my place somehow, or the place they'd like me to be, and have even told hubs that he needs to explain to me what kind of behavior is appropriate for their family. Now, I can assure you that I've been raised with manners and class and that my behavior is far from inappropriate and disrespectful, especially as it related to my husband and to his family. What I believe the problem to be, is that they cannot handle the fact that their son/brother is married and can/will no longer be forced to do what they want, nor will he jump when they tell him to - this is what they are used to - always getting their way. We now have our own family to consider and for some reason they aren't capable of being respectful of that. Hubs sister (older and not married) has even lectured us on the things that we need to work on in our marriage as if she has years and years of experience and expertise.

I've reached my limit. At this point, I am not on speaking terms with his sister as she has said the most hurtful things I've ever had said about me. Never have I had problems with someone as serious as this, never have I not gotten along with someone. It's beyond my comprehension. This post doesn't really even begin to explain the severity of the situation. We've considered counseling to figure out a better or more correct way to deal with his family. There are many underlying issues that we will not be able to help them with and we believe that his sister is suffering from a severe personality disorder that makes her extremely difficult to interact with. (If you want to know more about the disorder, google: narcissistic personality disorder - it describes her to a T).

It is certainly a troubling situation and we can only see it getting worse when his sister gets married (she isn't engaged yet) and as kids enter the picture. We know that our decision to have a baby will be met with much criticism from them - especially his mother who seems to think we are too young to be married (we are both 27). We foresee his sister getting extremely upset when we do get pregnant, especially if she isn't even engaged, as she has stated on more than one occasion that we need to wait until she is married to have kids so that our kids can grow up together (I can assure you she did not say this to be cute/funny). Then there will be the issue of raising kids - I'm sure in their eyes I won't raise them correctly. I'm sure that they will constantly be on my back about how I should be raising them and I'm sure they won't be shy about sharing their thoughts on what I should/shouldn't be eating when I'm pregnant, how long you should breast feed, how often they should get to see the baby, etc.

It's never going to stop. I get so excited thinking about the day that I get pregnant - which is exactly how a woman should feel but that excitement is cut short when I think about the reaction we'll receive from his mother and sister. It's sad that I will be made to feel like I've done something wrong - that they don't approve of the timing of my pregnancy and that they think I've forced my husband into something he wasn't ready for (no matter when it happens, I can assure you that this is what they will be thinking and I'm more than certain they will voice this concern).

I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm nervous constantly. I'm hurt. And, I feel absolutely horrible for my hubby who has been forced into such a horrible situation. I don't want to force him to choose between them and me and he shouldn't have to - but we are honestly at a loss for how to handle his family. It's exhausting to be honest

If anyone has any ideas or has dealt with anything similar to what I'm describing, please please please respond to this post. I need all the help I can get at this point.

a few of my favorite things!

Merry (late) Christmas everyone! Hope you all had an enjoyable Christmas! Mine was a little more enjoyable than I had originally anticipated with the amount of running around we. It also turned out to be much of a chore to ensure that that certain family members (read: in-laws) were kept happy to avoid any complaining (read: bitching) we've had to deal with many many times in the past. We are slowly learning how to handle situations such as these to be fair to everyone, though it never seems we're ever really fair to ourselves... (were we to put ourselves first however, we'd be accused of being selfish, rude, lacking-manners and class, etc. - this needs more explanation and will require an entire other post). All in all though, once I got a drink in my mother in-laws hand and took over in the kitchen, and wrapped all of the presents she hadn't had a chance to wrap, Christmas was as delightful as it could be. Family and friends were extremely generous and the hubs went all out! With a birthday on Christmas Eve Eve, I've accustomed to receiving bday/xmas gifts but this year it seemed like I received twice the amount and then some! Here are some of my favorite gifts from this Christmas!

Stella Watch by Fossil (I read Carrie Underwood bought this watch so I HAD to have it!)

Circles from Pottery Barn (I've wanted this for so so long but was too cheap to buy it! So excited to get it on the wall!)

Faux Fur Throw from Pottery Barn (love love love it!)

Rooster Door Mat from Pottery Barn (Ok - it was a PB Christmas apparently)

Ok well this was for the Hubs but sometimes I enjoy playing with him sometimes - nice way to get out some anger! :)

What were some of your favorite gifts?

it's the most wonderful time of the year!

Hubs and I bought our first real tree for our first real house and the sight and smell of the tree when I walk through the door seems to have a calming effect on me and is more than welcome especially after the days I've been having at work. There are needles all over the floor but I'm going to say that it's completely worth it to get a real tree and getting to go choose a tree, your tree, with your family. I think we'll do the real thing for quite a while!

In other news our dog determined it would be a good idea to completely rip up the carpet and carpet pad, down to the plywood today while we were gone. Guess he didn't like the color? I have to keep telling myself that it's not his fault - we adopted him, and he came from a puppy mill where he wasn't treated well at all. He's a sweet dog and means well but has extreme anxiety when he is separate from us. We tried something different today (now that we have the tree up) and I guess he didn't like it... hence the shredding of the carpet...

Happy Holidays everyone!