this is the year.

This is the year. I can feel it... or I think I can feel it. I'm hoping it's the year. The hubs and I have spoken quite a bit about the B word this past month. He's gotten slightly more comfortable discussing it though I think it's probably overkill for me to bring it up every day. I don't mean to, but it happens. I see an etrade commercial with the talking babies or our neighbors walking their baby around the neighborhood and I can't help but think about what it would be like to have one of our own. A friend of ours just posted belly shots on facebook and another friend went into labor last night. We're babysitting another friends newborn next weekend, I'm attending a baby shower the following weekend, and two of my cousins are pregnant, due around the same time. Needless to say, there are babies everywhere I turn.

This is the year. We're not getting any younger, I know we're not that old to begin with, but we're not getting any younger! I'm ready. I can feel it, mentally and emotionally that is, physically... well, that's another story. I'm not where I hope to be weight-wise (I hope to be 20lbs less when it happens) when I get pregnant knowing how much on average a woman gains when pregnant but I'll get there before it's time to start trying. I'm certainly emotionally ready. In the past I've felt pangs of anxiousness and nervousness at the thought of having a baby and though those emotions will never completely disappear, I've never felt so calm and ready. Sure it's a big change. Sure it's demanding, but I'm ready.

Is a guy ever ready though? Very rarely do I hear someone say that their husband is ready for a baby but they aren't. More often than not, it's the woman pushing for a child and the man constantly resisting. Hubs isn't so much resisting as he is trying to push it off into the unforeseeable future. It doesn't help that his mother continues to state her opinion that we are too young (we are both 27 - she had her first when she was 27...). Sticking to my timeline, we will have been married 2.5 years and we'll both be 28 by the time baby number one arrives. This feels really comfortable to me in that we didn't rush into having a baby (the hubs couldn't rush into anything if he tried... 10 years of dating before popping the question...), we enjoyed 2.5 years of wedded bliss sans child (and doesn't the birth of a child only make the love of a family grow that much stronger and greater?) Also, by the time we're ready for #2 and #3 (hubs wants 3 mind you...) we will be around 30 and 32 which seems pretty perfect to me.

I'm filled with joy at the thought of starting a family. The nervousness and anxiousness that I feel lies with my husband. I want him to feel ready. I want him to tell me he's ready. I don't want to feel like I've pushed this onto him; that I've pushed a baby that he's not yet ready for, onto him. I'm almost certain that this would ahem, ruin the moment, you might say... the time comes (no pun intended) and all I can think is "he doesn't want this, he doesn't want this" - doesn't seem like the way things should go, if you ask me. But how do you help a man prepare himself and feel ready? Is this how the majority of men think? Do most women ignore the un-readiness of the man and just go for it when they know they are ready? I almost feel like I have to push him in order for it to ever happen. If I didn't push and I just waited for him to come around, I'm 99.9% sure that I'd be in my late 30's, early 40's before having #1, and I don't know many women who want to wait that long.

I'm ready. I hope this is the year and I hope the hubs shares the same sentiment...

tick tock.

Baby fever continues. This past weekend hubs and I went out to dinner with some friends. One couple has a 2 year old and one on the way. In an effort to dissuade me and my desire to get pregnant, the hubs thought that if I sat next to the 2 year old I'd be completely turned off - especially because the baby would be cranky, hungry and tired. Boy did that plan backfire. Not only did it not dissuade me, it made me want one even more! The crying/screaming didn't really make me panic or make me think "shut that kid up already!", it made me want to hold him and play peekaboo to get him to calm down. I could also see how thrilled and excited our pregnant friend was to have their second child. She was radiant and glowing and ready to pop!

Hubs and I always talk/talked about having kids, and I know that it will happen but it has to be right for both of us. I hate feeling like I am pushing the issue but honestly, is the guy ever the one to say, "honey, I think it's time to get you preggo?" I think not. Research shows that by the time a woman reaches the age of 30, she loses up to 90% of her eggs. After learning that both of our mothers had their first child at 27, I think he is starting to realize that sooner is better than later especially since he wants 3 kids! He not so secretly hopes that we're blessed with triplets and "get it over with all at once". Lovely way to think of it, don't you think?

Until then... my biological clock is ticking...

love this clock (from esty) by the way!

getting a little ahead of myself...

Too cute! All from Etsy! If I had a baby or was even pregnant with one, I'd sooo be purchasing these things immediately. I swear I'm not crazy!

buy it here

As I think I mentioned, the paint color I chose for our smallest guest room which will some day become a nursery is a color that can be paired with "boy colors" or "girl colors". White furniture will definitely be a must. This is almost the exact same color we painted the someday nursery. Love this!

check it out here

so cute!

oh. my. gosh!

so stinkin' cute!

baby fever...

As if my desire for a baby wasn't great enough, cute little babies wearing oversized, water logged diapers, shoveling hand fulls of sand into their toothless mouths, wobbling in water on their chubby, recently discovered legs, sporting the cutest little baby sunglasses you've ever seen surrounded me on the beach. Mommy's in their tankini's hiding baby weight and daddy's wondering how they were going to get sand out of their little one's bathing suits amused me and captivated my attention for much of the time I spent on the beach and I couldn't help but smile while watching parents enjoy each and every special moment with their new baby.

Too frikken cute! My baby fever is through the roof.

in-laws.

Family is extremely important to the hubs and me, especially after both losing our fathers. We are both close to our families and spend as much of our time with them as possible. I'm absolutely grateful for his family, who raised such a wonderful, genuine, caring, loving man, and after dating the hubs and getting to know his family for the past ten years, I certainly knew what I was getting myself into. Or, so I thought.

The engagement and wedding planning offered me a completely different view of his family; one I'm not sure I ever wanted/needed to see or want to see again.

His mother questioned our decision to get married "so young" (we were 25 when we were married) instead of working to establish our careers and continue our educations (at this point, I already had a Masters degree, hubs was finishing his Masters and we both had stable, professional careers). His unmarried, older sister, in her role as the maid of honor, took the bull by the horns so to speak, and eagerly attempted to get her way in many aspects of the wedding though she'd say she was only trying to help. Unwarranted and confusing criticisms were made on flower decisions, seating arrangements, and dress and veil choices. I was told that I wasn't thankful enough for a bridal shower thrown for me. Harsh words were spoken about members of our wedding party and the way that we were planning the wedding and I was actually reprimanded for trying to make everyone happy.

At first I had an extremely difficult time trying to figure out where all of this seemingly pent up anger was coming from as it seemed to be quite a bit more than just the little tiffs that are expected during wedding planning. I spent many nights sitting on the couch in tears going back and forth with my fi and mom about whether we should have the wedding. The arguments and harsh emails and voicemails continued until one night when my husband decided enough was enough. We've always tried to tiptoe around his mother and sister to keep things as calm as possible (both have not yet fully coped with the loss of their husband and father, respectively, and these emotions have deep roots which present themselves in different situations) but the fi had reached his boiling point. After many arguments with both of them we suggested that we all go talk to a counselor, a third party, to get some input and insight on what was happening. (Yes, that's how bad it got.) Both refused however, saying they didn't need any counseling and that we weren't considering their feelings (this after being told that I shouldn't try to make everyone happy) and we were left wondering whether our wedding, one of the most important days of our lives, was going to be ruined and if we should just elope.

Fi's mother finally admitted that she felt like she was losing a son and that she thought I wasn't being understanding enough (My mother on the other hand, from day one, said she was happy to be gaining a son. Not once did she feel like she was losing a daughter).  Fi's sister, although she never exactly admitted it, appeared to be a bit jealous that her younger brother was getting married before her and did what she could (some of it even subconsciously) to focus some attention on herself in her important role as the MOH.

It was very difficult for me to feel much support from his side of the family. It was sad to me that his mother only felt like she was losing a son and not gaining a daughter. It wasn't until after the wedding (which magically went off without a hitch, minus the rain) that she actually referred to me as her daughter, with joy. I understand where his sisters pangs of jealousy were coming from since I'd felt the same way when many of our other close friends were getting married. And what seemed to make all of this worse, adding fuel to what could have been small, controllable fires, was the fact that neither of our fathers were there.

Things have settled down and the smoke has cleared (for the most part) since after the wedding but I can't help but worry about what will happen when hubs and I decide to get pregnant. I worry that the jealousy will resurface, that we will have difficulty enjoying the pregnancy, choosing names, paint colors, and strollers and that they'll feel like they don't get enough time with the babies.

It's been exhausting dealing with our families, especially after moving a few hours away from our home towns, but we can't help but love them to pieces.

We certainly worry about what will happen in the next few years as we reach more milestones in our lives, and we're back to tip toeing as gently as possible to avoid a similar situation. What can I say, ya can't live with them, and ya can't live without them.

fulfilled. or not.

fulfil/fulfillment – To fill up; To satisfy, carry out, bring to completion (an obligation, a requirement, etc.); To emotionally or artistically satisfy; to develop one’s gifts to the fullest. A feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires.

There have been countless nights I’ve gone to bed feeling not quite fulfilled or satisfied; feeling like something is missing. It could be that I started feeling this way after my dad passed away 6 years ago or it could just be me. It may be a combination of the two, but most likely, it’s just me.

There certainly is no clear reason why I should feel unfulfilled. I have a husband I adore, a house that needs work, but a house none the less, a crazy but lovable dog, an amazing family, a job and a plasma tv. I graduated number one in my graduate school class in a field I love (or at least loved while I was in school – who doesn’t feel slightly unfulfilled in their job, right?), married my high school sweetheart, and bought my first car. All things that should point to fulfillment. Right? Wrong.

It must be the way I’m programmed. I always have to be busy. I always have to be trying something new and I’m always looking for the next adventure or room to paint. It’s exhausting! When I’m not doing something, or when I’m sitting idle, I feel unfulfilled. My experiments with new things are a plenty and I’ve started many tasks with the intention of finishing them… I just can’t sit still and I’m not capable of relaxing.

Sometimes I wonder if having a baby would actually be good for me. All the preparation that goes into having a baby – setting up the nursery, shopping for clothing, diapers, bottles, strollers, thinking up baby names – would actually keep me busy (something that makes me feel fulfilled) and focused and once the baby arrives, there will be no time to sit idle; busy would probably not even begin to describe my days. How could a little life, depending on me for everything; food, clothing, shelter, love, not make me feel fulfilled? I don’t believe there is anything else in the world that could make anyone feel any more fulfilled than that! I think I’m more than ready (and excited) for these changes and I’m optimistic, no, certain that the level of fulfillment I’d feel each and every night I put that little baby to bed would be through the roof.

I’m not sure my inability to sit still or my desire to constantly be busy is a bad thing. I’m not sure it’s a good thing. I’m also not sure a baby is the solution, or if there even is a solution.

What I do know is that it’s tiring feeling unfulfilled and tiring trying to make myself feel fulfilled, that pregnancy and motherhood would keep me busy and that busy, for me, equals fulfillment. I’m positive that a child would bring quite a bit of fulfillment to my life and I look forward to it, him, her, more and more each and every day.

apple pie.

I’m by no means fat, but I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as skinny. I’ve never been skinny, and lets just say, I’ve always had a little something extra to hold on to. I’ve been an athlete my whole life and 5 times a week you can usually find me exercising whether it be going for a run, playing tennis, or kicking the soccer ball. So, you’d think I’d be thinner…

My problem is, and always has been, that I enjoy food. I enjoy eating! I’m happy when I eat… though not always happy after I eat. I usually feel a lot of regret but that doesn’t seem to stop me at the next meal. My husband and I eat extremely healthy during the week and if you saw our shopping cart at the grocery store you’d think we were absolute health nuts! We rarely have snacks in the house, and when we do, they usually consist of healthy snacks and fruit. Weekends however are a different story… we sort of let ourselves go and undo all of our hard work during the week. Sigh…

My husband has always told me, even while we were dating, that he was grateful that I wasn’t the type of girl to order a salad; that I could “keep up with him” at the dinner table. I’m still questioning whether I should take that as a compliment or use that as a reality check.

I seem to constantly be trying to lose weight and I’ve lost the same 25-30lbs, many, many times. I’ve been thinking more and more about my weight recently, as it relates to the pregnancy that I hope to experience sooner rather than later (see he’ll come around)… Needless to say, I’m worried. I know that pregnancy = weight gain and I know once you have a baby, time for exercise or anything else for that matter, becomes non-existent. To be honest, I worry about becoming overweight and never finding the time to lose the weight.

Cue Gweneth Paltrow:

“After my first pregnancy, the weight had come off a little bit better but after the second one it was really stubborn. It was really hanging on. It was not easy and, when I started it, it was by far the hardest thing I have ever done – but I really was seeing results so it motivated me to just work through it … Every woman can make time—every woman—and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I’ve worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work, and if it’s important to you, it’ll be important to them.”

Hmm, if I had the money to hire a personal trainer and didn’t have to work 50 hours a week…

Anyway, I hope to lose some weight, and have already started dieting a bit, before my first pregnancy (which seems far off at this point) and I hope to keep my exercise regimen in tact, for the most part, and/or modify it once a baby does come along…

I have been craving warm apple pie with vanilla icecream though… and I did get a pretty sweet kitchenaid mixer as a wedding gift… and I did exercise this week… and I do dream of being the next Martha Stewart… and it is the weekend…

Weekend Baking Experiement #1: Old-Fashioned Apple Pie

i had a dream...

Last night I had my first dream about pregnancy. Now, I’ve had many thoughts and daydreams about being pregnant and bringing a precious little life into the world, but last night was the first dream I’ve had where I’ve been pregnant. And go figure, I was pregnant with twins!

I couldn’t help but be a bit curious about the meaning of twins in dreams, so I googled. I’m a googler. I google everything. I’ve googled recipes. I’ve googled “best vacation spots”. I even used google to incorrectly diagnose my mom with Scarlet fever…

Anyway, google led me to this interpretation of twins in dreams:

“To see twins in your dream, signify ambivalence, dualities or opposites. It also represents security in business, faithfulness, and contentment with life. It may also mean that you are either in harmony with or in conflict between ideas and decisions.”

No matter what the meaning, I have to say, I didn’t want to wake up from the dream. For just a moment, I was aware of what it feels like to be pregnant, and I liked it.

Here are a few more interpretations of twins in dreams: http://en.mimi.hu/dreams/twins.html

everyone's doing it! (no pun intended)

Everywhere I look, I see babies. Friends are having babies left and right. Baby bumps are showing up in facebook statuses almost daily and “Baby at 3 months”, “Baby at 4 months”, “Baby at 6 months” albums flood my news feed. I receive emails from friends about baby showers, name suggestions and dilation measurements and questions from family and friends about when we think we’ll have children. It takes all I have each day to not think about how much I want a baby.

All my life, I’ve felt the tug of peer pressure. Nothing too major or overly serious like jumping off bridges or skipping school. More like a tug to “keep up with the Joneses”. A few years ago two friends of ours got married. They were the first, but certainly not the last. Their wedding set the ball rolling for couple after couple to get engaged and married and within a matter of a few years it seemed that each of our friends had joined the club. The feeling that” everyone’s doing it” seems to fuel the urge to be the first or the next and seems ever present in the battle of the bump, at least from where I’m standing. After all, first comes love, then comes marriage then comes… that’s right, the baby carriage.

My husband and I have always seemed to take things rather slow… some of it has been purposely whether we had spoken about it or not, and some of it has been pressure from family I’m sure, but, it was years 9 years before we lived with each other and 10 years before he placed a ring on my finger (to be fair, we started dating when we were 16). My husband and I always seemed to have different goals and ideas for our future than our friends, not that they weren’t interested in being successful or traveling the world, but they seemed quick to finish school and “start their lives”, get married, buy a house, get a dog, etc. We, on the other hand, decided to continue on to graduate school, both graduating with Master’s degrees and therefore, “starting our lives” and buying a dog a bit later than the others. You’ve probably guessed by now – we were one of the last couples to get married.

I’ve always felt behind in a way when I’ve looked at the lives of our friends – perfectly decorated houses, nice cars, and baby on the way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely thrilled and couldn’t be happier for them, but I often have to remind myself that it’s not a race, that everything happens for a reason and that things will happen when it’s time. What I’ve recently started to realize, is that when it does happen, when we do have our first child, it will be perfect because it will be how and when we want it to happen and not just because everyone else was doing it.

he'll come around...

Almost immediately after we were married I started feeling the urge to have kids. Yes, we’re still young. Yes, there are still many places we’d like to travel. Yes, we still have a lot of work to do on the house. None of these things however make me want a baby any less or any later in life. With my husband, it’s a different story…

His ideal age to have kids is late 30′s. My ideal age would be, well, now! We both agree on 3 kids, so that’s a start, but ideally I’d like to be finished having kids in my mid-30′s. Discussions over what time is the right time leave me frustrated, wanting a baby more and more and feeling like it’s never going to happen. Now, I know that’s not true. I know that he’ll come around. I just wish I knew how to help make him more comfortable with the idea and I wish I could figure out how to help us meet in the middle… he’ll come around. Right?

How did you and your spouse decide what time was the right time?

and so it begins...

If you’re reading this, then you’ve most likely stumbled across it in your google search related to food, cooking, baking, ovens, buns and the like. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately as the case may be, this blog will be less about baking (though I’m fairly certain there will be no shortage of discussions related to food) and more about buns and ovens.

Yes, that kind of bun and that kind of oven.

I’ve never blogged before, and honestly I’m not quite sure how or where to begin or whether I will attract any followers. What I am looking forward to however, is having a place to share my thoughts, feelings, joys and sorrows as I begin my journey into mommy-hood and I can only hope that those of you who are reading this will continue to do so and join me and share your thoughts and experiences.

“It takes a village…” reads an African proverb and while this dates back a few decades, I’m fairly certain that the term village was meant to include those of the virtual kind.