falling short.

I've been MIA lately. For those of you who actually read my blog, I apologize. Work has been a bit hectic lately and we've been redoing our living room/dining room and trying to get some sleep in between.

On to the title of this post... falling short. This is a sentiment I've been feeling for quite some time, 6 years to be exact (just after my dad died and I felt like the world had come crashing down on me), and while I'm usually pretty good at not letting myself over think this feeling, I've had a lot of trouble doing so lately. When nothing is going right, when you feel like you're trying to do everything possible to live up to these crazy expectations you've set for yourself and you're never quite able to, when you see other people accomplishing their goals and living their dreams (even if you've accomplished some pretty amazing things yourself) you start to think to yourself, why can't I do that, and it becomes difficult to refrain from being hard on yourself, and thinking constantly that you're not good enough and you're always falling short.

So here I sit on my Pottery Barn sectional (I've always wanted one of these because 1. they are the most comfortable things in the world and 2. because I wanted to be able to say that I have a Pottery Barn couch - this is one of those crazy expectations I set for myself, I'm willing to admit, because having one seemed like a right of passage, and I wanted to be in the club - absolutely ridiculous right?) in my running clothes (somehow I mustered enough mental energy to take that step) wondering how I'm going to convince my depressed, over emotional self to go for a run and wondering how to pull myself out of this funk.

What am I doing wrong? Why does it seem like I can never anything right? Does my PB Comfort really make me as happy as I thought it would, especially since it's a lot lighter than what I really wanted (fail). Why does weightloss on my part require eating pickles and celery and working out for an hour everyday - to see a .5lb weight loss at the end of the week and why does it matter how much I weigh? Why do I have to care so much? Why is there something wrong with just about everything in my house? Why is that just when I start to feel good about myself and start to have the feeling that something is finally going right, something goes wrong? Why does it see like in everything I do, I fall short?

On top of all of this, my in-laws are not speaking to me. That is one hell of a long story which I won't bore you with but to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what I did to deserve this treatment especially after being verbally attacked by them and having them question my upbringing. It hasn't been pretty to say the least. It's complicated and hubs and I have been going to counseling to deal with it - that's how difficult it's gotten. This situation obviously wouldn't make anyone feel that great, and has only added to the self-inflicted stress I'm feeling about all aspects of my life.

Why can't I just be happy. I know that no one can be completely happy every day of their life but I would say that I'm unhappy more often than not. I just can't seem to do anything right. It's always almost right, but not quite right. I don't want to be unhappy. I want to enjoy myself, my house, my husband, my friends and my family but that is extremely difficult when you feel like you just don't measure up, you're always falling short.

Thanks for listening (reading). I apologize that my first post in weeks is something so depressing. Hopefully soon I will be able to post pictures of the living room/dining room re-do... that is, if nothing else goes wrong...