stay-at-home-momdom.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, especially as more and more friends have gotten pregnant; what will happen once we have a baby on the way? (Yes, this is vague, but I swear this is going somewhere) I've always viewed myself as fairly independent, monetarily that is, emotionally... not so much. I've rarely asked for financial help, took out loans to pay for my education and am now paying on those loans and will be for quite some time. I've always been academically and career driven. As an enthusiastic undergraduate student, I was ready to conquer the world. I knew what I wanted and I was determined to get it. I continued my education, earning a Master's degree and landed a position at an amazing design firm. I wanted nothing more than to have a strong career, doing what I love, and to work my way up in the design field and be featured in popular design magazines. After graduate school I hit the ground running. I was so excited about what I was doing and my future goals and successes in the field.

Now, not that I am not still passionate about my job, my feelings have sort of changed. In school my family sort of, unfortunately, took a back seat - they were always in my peripheral vision, but after my father passed away, I dove head first into my work and let it completely consume my every minute (making for an even more mentally unstable and unhealthy individual). Now that I've regained time during the week and have free weekends, and now that my head is screwed on a bit straighter, I've been able, thank God, to make my family a priority and many things have started to dawn on me. Family is absolutely #1 in my book. This, I have always known, and there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for them. This leads me to my current dilemma (not that it's really a dilemma) of wanting a family. My life plans have been altered and it's left me with an uneasy feeling. I want nothing more now, than to have children and be a stay at home mom. Nothing seems more rewarding than that. I'm torn because I do love what I do but at the same time, I'm feeling less fulfilled by it because thoughts of stay-at-home-momdom have infiltrated my thoughts. What has really gotten to me is that I worked so extremely hard in school (my family will tell you that they were actually worried about me and how serious I was about school - I'm serious when I say I let it consume me), I'm paying off school loans that I took out so that I could attend graduate school, further my education and have an easier time advancing in my career... all so I could become a stay-at-home-mom??? It's pains me to think it could have been for "nothing".

I did a little researching on this topic, which I found there is lots, and found this quote: "My children are only young once; I can get a career later." I have to admit that this does make me feel a little bit better. There will always be time later in life to accomplish other goals you may have once had and sometimes some goals need to be put on hold while other goals are achieved.

Those school loans are going to be there for a while... and though I've told him that it's my debt, and mine alone and that I wouldn't think of asking him to help me pay them off (that's the independence speaking) the hubs will have to pick up some of that slack which leads me to wonder how finances will work... that's a whole other blog though...