fulfilled. or not.

fulfil/fulfillment – To fill up; To satisfy, carry out, bring to completion (an obligation, a requirement, etc.); To emotionally or artistically satisfy; to develop one’s gifts to the fullest. A feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires.

There have been countless nights I’ve gone to bed feeling not quite fulfilled or satisfied; feeling like something is missing. It could be that I started feeling this way after my dad passed away 6 years ago or it could just be me. It may be a combination of the two, but most likely, it’s just me.

There certainly is no clear reason why I should feel unfulfilled. I have a husband I adore, a house that needs work, but a house none the less, a crazy but lovable dog, an amazing family, a job and a plasma tv. I graduated number one in my graduate school class in a field I love (or at least loved while I was in school – who doesn’t feel slightly unfulfilled in their job, right?), married my high school sweetheart, and bought my first car. All things that should point to fulfillment. Right? Wrong.

It must be the way I’m programmed. I always have to be busy. I always have to be trying something new and I’m always looking for the next adventure or room to paint. It’s exhausting! When I’m not doing something, or when I’m sitting idle, I feel unfulfilled. My experiments with new things are a plenty and I’ve started many tasks with the intention of finishing them… I just can’t sit still and I’m not capable of relaxing.

Sometimes I wonder if having a baby would actually be good for me. All the preparation that goes into having a baby – setting up the nursery, shopping for clothing, diapers, bottles, strollers, thinking up baby names – would actually keep me busy (something that makes me feel fulfilled) and focused and once the baby arrives, there will be no time to sit idle; busy would probably not even begin to describe my days. How could a little life, depending on me for everything; food, clothing, shelter, love, not make me feel fulfilled? I don’t believe there is anything else in the world that could make anyone feel any more fulfilled than that! I think I’m more than ready (and excited) for these changes and I’m optimistic, no, certain that the level of fulfillment I’d feel each and every night I put that little baby to bed would be through the roof.

I’m not sure my inability to sit still or my desire to constantly be busy is a bad thing. I’m not sure it’s a good thing. I’m also not sure a baby is the solution, or if there even is a solution.

What I do know is that it’s tiring feeling unfulfilled and tiring trying to make myself feel fulfilled, that pregnancy and motherhood would keep me busy and that busy, for me, equals fulfillment. I’m positive that a child would bring quite a bit of fulfillment to my life and I look forward to it, him, her, more and more each and every day.