Family is extremely important to the hubs and me, especially after both losing our fathers. We are both close to our families and spend as much of our time with them as possible. I'm absolutely grateful for his family, who raised such a wonderful, genuine, caring, loving man, and after dating the hubs and getting to know his family for the past ten years, I certainly knew what I was getting myself into. Or, so I thought.
The engagement and wedding planning offered me a completely different view of his family; one I'm not sure I ever wanted/needed to see or want to see again.
His mother questioned our decision to get married "so young" (we were 25 when we were married) instead of working to establish our careers and continue our educations (at this point, I already had a Masters degree, hubs was finishing his Masters and we both had stable, professional careers). His unmarried, older sister, in her role as the maid of honor, took the bull by the horns so to speak, and eagerly attempted to get her way in many aspects of the wedding though she'd say she was only trying to help. Unwarranted and confusing criticisms were made on flower decisions, seating arrangements, and dress and veil choices. I was told that I wasn't thankful enough for a bridal shower thrown for me. Harsh words were spoken about members of our wedding party and the way that we were planning the wedding and I was actually reprimanded for trying to make everyone happy.
At first I had an extremely difficult time trying to figure out where all of this seemingly pent up anger was coming from as it seemed to be quite a bit more than just the little tiffs that are expected during wedding planning. I spent many nights sitting on the couch in tears going back and forth with my fi and mom about whether we should have the wedding. The arguments and harsh emails and voicemails continued until one night when my husband decided enough was enough. We've always tried to tiptoe around his mother and sister to keep things as calm as possible (both have not yet fully coped with the loss of their husband and father, respectively, and these emotions have deep roots which present themselves in different situations) but the fi had reached his boiling point. After many arguments with both of them we suggested that we all go talk to a counselor, a third party, to get some input and insight on what was happening. (Yes, that's how bad it got.) Both refused however, saying they didn't need any counseling and that we weren't considering their feelings (this after being told that I shouldn't try to make everyone happy) and we were left wondering whether our wedding, one of the most important days of our lives, was going to be ruined and if we should just elope.
Fi's mother finally admitted that she felt like she was losing a son and that she thought I wasn't being understanding enough (My mother on the other hand, from day one, said she was happy to be gaining a son. Not once did she feel like she was losing a daughter). Fi's sister, although she never exactly admitted it, appeared to be a bit jealous that her younger brother was getting married before her and did what she could (some of it even subconsciously) to focus some attention on herself in her important role as the MOH.
It was very difficult for me to feel much support from his side of the family. It was sad to me that his mother only felt like she was losing a son and not gaining a daughter. It wasn't until after the wedding (which magically went off without a hitch, minus the rain) that she actually referred to me as her daughter, with joy. I understand where his sisters pangs of jealousy were coming from since I'd felt the same way when many of our other close friends were getting married. And what seemed to make all of this worse, adding fuel to what could have been small, controllable fires, was the fact that neither of our fathers were there.
Things have settled down and the smoke has cleared (for the most part) since after the wedding but I can't help but worry about what will happen when hubs and I decide to get pregnant. I worry that the jealousy will resurface, that we will have difficulty enjoying the pregnancy, choosing names, paint colors, and strollers and that they'll feel like they don't get enough time with the babies.
It's been exhausting dealing with our families, especially after moving a few hours away from our home towns, but we can't help but love them to pieces.
We certainly worry about what will happen in the next few years as we reach more milestones in our lives, and we're back to tip toeing as gently as possible to avoid a similar situation. What can I say, ya can't live with them, and ya can't live without them.
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