I'll cry if I want to...

lI'm starting to think I'm not very good at this life thing. I thought I had gotten better at it after I finished school which was an extremely rough time and not one I really want to go into right now. I was excited to have free time. I was excited to get a job, be able to take up new hobbies, buy a house and decorate, the list goes on and on.

I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown of sorts. Recently my boss has been giving me some trouble. He's one of those types who refuses to retire but probably should have retired by now. He's forgetful, he's getting slower and he's Type A with a need to have his shakey hand in every project. Needless to say, it's been difficult dealing with him, especially lately. I'm feeling some pressure on the project I'm leading and tirelessly trying to stay on schedule, with not much help from my boss who ultimately needs sign off on what I'm doing.

So, I come home exhausted, feeling upset and defeated. I have no energy to Shred (it's been 5 days - so much for 30 day shred), I eat cereal for dinner and I look around my house and get depressed about it's current state - the bedroom wall that needs a second coat of paint, the laundry that still needs to be folded and put away, the 30 year old coffee table and end tables we "inherited", projects I've started and have found no time to finish. I accidentally dropped a pack of tissues on the floor last week and for some reason haven't had the energy or found the time to pick them up... pathetic right?

I'm in need of a mental health day week. I need to re-motivate myself. I need to feel rejuvenated. That unfortunately doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon. I know I should just pick myself up, dust myself off and get over it, but I gave that a try and I failed. So until someone surprises me with vacation, pity party it is.

we're getting there... maybe?

This weekend has been much like every other weekend, the hubby and I running around like crazy, trying to accomplish a million mile long to do list and coming close to completing it while completely exhausting ourselves. The hubs has become a lot like me over the years (for this I feel horrible), making lists and feeling slightly worthless if he finds himself sitting still and relaxing for a few minutes - poor guy.

We are constantly having to remind ourselves that it's the weekend and that we need some down time so we're not sleeping through work the whole next week!

To do lists aside, the hubs and I had some time at dinner to discuss some things; things that I've always felt like he just wasn't ready to discuss seriously. Last night was different. He was actually open to discussing children, joking (about having kids in our late 30's) aside. We discussed our "timeline", the number of kids we want, other things we want to accomplish, places we want to travel, etc. etc. He even mentioned wanting to start a savings account for our little ones. This is certainly progress! I know that he's worried/scared about having kids, and I know that he thinks that life as he knows it will end once a baby comes along, but I think he's finally starting to realize the time constraints that women are under (though he does make it a point to mention that more and more women are having children later in life). A few years ago before we were married, I mentioned that I wanted to have a baby when I was 27, or shortly after turning 28. At that point, those years seemed far off. Not so much anymore. With the hubs recently turning 27 and my birthday coming in a few short months, he's starting to realize that time is kind of flying by... I think he's also starting to take notice of the number of friends who are either pregnant or just had a baby and, not that we have to keep up with the Jones's, realizing that our time is coming soon and that these discussions that I keep trying to have with him, are discussions that we really need to start having.

I think we might be getting there. I think we're making progress, and I'm thrilled.

Time to cross the last items off of our to-do list... shred, then...

... if only I was on the beach. Enjoy your Sunday night everyone!

uhhh....?

Dear Lady Gaga,
You are one hot mess but for some reason I can't look away. Looking forward to your concert in February.

Love,
a girl and a pearl.

What in the world does one wear to a Lady Gaga concert? Anyone been? What can I expect?

instant gratification.

I'm really not good at playing the waiting game. I like instant gratification, instant results. Today will mark Day 6 of 30-Day Shred. We've been doing Level 2 from Day 2 and I'm not sure we'll make it to Level 3 in this 30-Days of Shred (perhaps the next...) but Level 2 is difficult enough, especially after a 2 mile run. Now I know that Jillian says you only need 20 hardcore minutes of her workout a day to see results at the end of 30 days, but I'm not convinced. Even after a 2 mile run and 20 minutes of shredding, this morning of Day 6 I see no results... as far as the scale is concerned. I've been watching what I'm eating, though I haven't been as strict as I was before my wedding... I think I need a friend or relative to get engaged so that I have a goal to work towards... I've lost maybe 2lbs but that could be attributed to other things, if you catch my drift... I'm not going to give up, I'm going to make it through the 30 days, but it may be time for a reevaluation at that point... something's gotta give!

jillian says I'm on my way to being shredded.

I sure hope she's right! Day 1 of "30 Day Shred" took place yesterday. I'm feeling minimal pain in my legs after numerous squats but that's about it. Her program is totally doable and I'm hoping to bump it up to Level 2 shortly. After poking fun at the background music and saying "Oh, this ought to be good", I convinced the hubs to participate and let me tell you, 25 minutes later, sweat was rolling off his face! He didn't say another word...

I haven't jumped back on the WW (weight watchers) bandwagon quite yet... I'm going to get through this weekend of birthday celebrations first and then start hardcore, so I'm hoping that Jillian is right when she says that all you need is 20-25 minutes a day of her workout and not much else... Somehow I find this hard to believe but she seems to have been able to work miracles for plenty of people who were much much much worse off than I am.

Day 1, Level 1: complete
Day 2, Level 1: bring it on!

UPDATE: Day 2, LEVEL 2: complete.... much harder than level 1. Really feeling it this morning, but it feels good! Lost 1 lb... but that doesn't necessarily mean Jillian is a genius... yet.

sap-tastic!

I'm feeling a little sappy today. Maybe it's because I'm in a good mood because it's Friday or maybe because I'm emotional due to a certain visitor (sorry... TMI). Anyway, I wanted to thank all of you bloggers out there who I've discovered and who I continue to discover everyday. Your blogs have truly offered and provided me with an abundance of information, suggestions, inspirations and advice, some laughs and some tears and I'm grateful to have found all of you! I really enjoy reading all of your blogs and though I may not comment on everything you post, be certain that I'm reading each any every one! Life is certainly a journey that we're all on together and it's nice to know there will always been a community of women in the "cloud" who simply get it. I may only have 9 followers at the moment, but it means a lot that you read and comment on things I post. So,
 

to all you bloggers out there for keeping me informed and entertained!

where did my preppy mojo go?

If you've read my "About Me" section and some of my previous posts, you know that I was a tom-boy until my freshman year in high school when I started attending an all girls high school and began wearing over-sized pearl earrings and ribbons in my hair. I was still an athlete but the color pink found it's way into my heart, and my wardrobe, including shoes, sunglasses and undergarments! I enjoyed getting dressed up, wearing skirts, pearls, mascara and lip gloss. I loved shopping! I had become feminine. Yes!!

Lately however, I've been feeling very unfeminine. I don't wear much pink anymore; not that pink necessarily equates to femininity. I still wear pearls, often, but I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror lately, especially when I no longer see the preppy, cute, feminine girl I used to be. I'm not sure what happened! I haven't changed all that much. Yes, I've aged and gained a little weight but I'm not overweight aka clothes don't fit that much different on me than they did 10 years ago (see Apple Pie for more on my weight). I still shop at the Loft, J.Crew, Banana Republic, etc. (though I don't take quite as much pleasure in going shopping anymore - it seems like more of a chore these days) but I feel like I have a hard time trying to find clothes that are flattering, that are work appropriate and can be paired with other items on the weekend. And, on top of all this, I have a certain aversion to accessories which I admit are generally lacking in all of my outfits. For some reason I can't seem to convince myself to buy a necklace or bangle, not matter how much I really want it, if it costs more than $20!

I see other women my age and wonder how they do it! I picture an outfit they are wearing on myself and soon realize that it would look absolutely different on me and not flatter me in the least. I wonder where they get the money to buy the $60 necklace they're wearing. Victoria Secret commercials depress the hell out of me. I could never be that skinny even if I starved myself, not that I want to be that skinny, but their skimpy bras and panties (sorry for those of you who are disgusted by this word... I'm right there with you) make them poster women of femininity. I've tried to venture outside my comfort zone of shopping purchases but always seem to find my way back to what I know, and what I thought was flattering me, making me look preppy, and allowing me feel feminine. Apparently this hasn't been the case. I see myself in pictures next to friends who I think always exude feminism and there I am... thought I looked good that night, but actually looked frumptastic. Why!

This post has been inspired by many of the bloggettes out there who post the WIWW blogs. Many of the clothes I see you wearing, I either own or have something similar, yet, they look feminine on you and not so much on me! How can this be!?!? I need help! I need some advice! I need a personal shopper! I've lost my mojo!

I'm sure there are times when you just don't feel too feminine (for me, it's more often than not)... what do you do or buy to make yourself feel more girly or feminine?

Advice of any kind is welcomed and encouraged! This is a cry for help! Don't let me walk around like this! (no offense J. Simp.- I love ya but those jeans weren't working for ya...)

first (of many) anniversary plans!

Because we wanted an outside wedding but still wanted it to be cool (I have a low tolerance for heat) we decided on an October wedding. Because we fell in love (as did many many other people) with the venue to hold the reception we didn't have much of an option for days. It was a Friday, or Halloween. Now, I have nothing against Halloween and nothing against anyone who chooses to get married on Halloween, but that's just not us. Therefore we were sort of left with a Friday which just happened to be the day before hubs mother's birthday.

At first I didn't think this would be a big deal, we'd sing happy birthday to her at the wedding, and celebrate a little the next day. For some reason I didn't think about the years to come... aka anniversary's/anniversary weekends away... this is still going to take some planning in the years to come but for our first anniversary we're going to stay pretty close, visiting some places we've talked about going for quite a while now.

Skyline Drive

Apple Picking

Vineyards

We'll get to spend some quality, quiet, relaxing alone time together in Virginia for a day and a half and make it back in time to celebrate MIL's birthday the next day. Phew! If momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy... even if it is our anniversary!

Definitely looking forward to getting away for a little while and certainly wondering where the time went! This year has just flown by; I feel like the wedding was just a short time ago!

freakout friday.

Do you ever feel like there's just never enough time in a day, a week, a month, a year?!?? That your to-do list grows exponentially each weekend and the number of things you add to that list far exceeds what you are actually crossing off that list? We've been homeowners for a little over 8 months now and I was well aware that home ownership would mean to do list's a plenty (and I was excited about it!)... but this is getting slightly ridiculous. I have to remember that it's not a race but, while I enjoy the updates and the opportunity to be creative in my own house, I just want it all done so that I can enjoy the rooms and have more time for other fun things and hobbies!

our kitchen with the carrot cake I made for the Easter Bunny!

We've slowly made our way through a few rooms and tried to get them each to a point we could live with but I'm starting to not be able to live with them anymore. The kitchen was the first room I tackled, painting the walls a mossy green (my newest color obsession), replacing door hardware with stainless steel knobs, finding a tall kitchen/bar table with 4 chairs that could also function as an island if I needed more counter space, and replacing the light fixture from a cheap, hideous fluorescent to an equally efficient track light type fixture and replacing all the outlet covers with brushed nickel plates (way more affordable than actual stainless steel). We found a fun, tall/skinny picture to put on the wall, some matching placemats and dishtowels and put a rug on the floor - done and done. The kitchen is the room we are the most proud of for the moment and we do enjoy spending time in there because it's the most done.

The rest of our house is painted a what I wish I could call beige, but is more like contractor pink... it's not a hideous shade of paint but it certainly doesn't go with any pieces of furniture, lamps, rugs, etc. that we have.

With the long weekend approaching, I'm trying to determine what should be next our my list to tackle. We have 3 bedrooms, one of which we have painted, is furnished (with my childhood furniture which probably needs to be refinished - but I'm feeling guilty about doing that for some reason), cute bedspread and pillows on the bed.... but nothing on the walls, no curtains, no pictures.... it's not quite there yet....

what I want (we'll get there... I hope)

I'm thinking our bedroom is next. With the amount of time that one spends in their bedroom, it should be a place of refuge, that's comfortable and warm... a place you want to be. Our bedroom at the moment... not so much. It's fully furnished, and we've added new faux-wood blinds in place of blinds that actually matched the color of the wall (eww) and the walls are just screaming for a fresh coat of paint. Our furniture is a mix of black nightstands, and wood dresser and headboard/footboard, not too light not too dark. Our duvet cover is green (obvi) but I'd say we're open to changing that up... we've had it for a few years now. Color suggestions are completely welcome!!!!

Here are some room inspirations....

maybe?

a little over the top? I like some of the things happening in this picture...

kinda? (I know hubs won't like)

Also, on another note, how do you feel about those stick to the wall decal kinds of things? Maybe in a guest room? Definitely in a childs room? Also, where do you have the most luck finding lamps? There is a lamp shortage in our house and we haven't been able to find anything we like!

Enjoy the long weekend everybody!

The hubs and I just experimented with spaghetti squash. I had never seen it in the grocery store and come to think of it, I'm not sure I've ever actually heard of it. Boy, were they right on when they named this vegetable!

I think I'm in love. I was a little worried at first about what it would taste like and if it would resemble spaghetti in the least. Not only did it taste similar to spaghetti, I would argue it may even taste better! We combined the squash with butter, basil, chives, sage and garlic, after cooking the squash (cut in half longways) for 45 minutes. We threw in some tomatoes as well and gently tossed all of the ingredients over low heat in a skillet and topped it with parmigiano reggiano. It is so so soooo good! I found a few recipes from mothers who use the squash as a way to get their kids to eat vegetables without realizing they are actually eating vegetables! Ingenious and fairly simple!

mmm.

In other news, the hubs and I have our first anniversary coming up and while we're still discussing celebration options, we are more than excited to eat our cake! Our cake was probably the most delicious thing you'd ever eat in your life! (I'm not biased or anything!)

We went fairly non-traditional with a Tres Leches cake with a meringue topping and raspberry sauce on the side. It's a very light cake that sort of melts in your mouth! Delish! We weren't able to keep the top because, being filled with 3 milks, the cake doesn't last for more than a couple of hours, so our bakery generously offered to make us one for our first anniversary!

stay-at-home-momdom.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, especially as more and more friends have gotten pregnant; what will happen once we have a baby on the way? (Yes, this is vague, but I swear this is going somewhere) I've always viewed myself as fairly independent, monetarily that is, emotionally... not so much. I've rarely asked for financial help, took out loans to pay for my education and am now paying on those loans and will be for quite some time. I've always been academically and career driven. As an enthusiastic undergraduate student, I was ready to conquer the world. I knew what I wanted and I was determined to get it. I continued my education, earning a Master's degree and landed a position at an amazing design firm. I wanted nothing more than to have a strong career, doing what I love, and to work my way up in the design field and be featured in popular design magazines. After graduate school I hit the ground running. I was so excited about what I was doing and my future goals and successes in the field.

Now, not that I am not still passionate about my job, my feelings have sort of changed. In school my family sort of, unfortunately, took a back seat - they were always in my peripheral vision, but after my father passed away, I dove head first into my work and let it completely consume my every minute (making for an even more mentally unstable and unhealthy individual). Now that I've regained time during the week and have free weekends, and now that my head is screwed on a bit straighter, I've been able, thank God, to make my family a priority and many things have started to dawn on me. Family is absolutely #1 in my book. This, I have always known, and there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for them. This leads me to my current dilemma (not that it's really a dilemma) of wanting a family. My life plans have been altered and it's left me with an uneasy feeling. I want nothing more now, than to have children and be a stay at home mom. Nothing seems more rewarding than that. I'm torn because I do love what I do but at the same time, I'm feeling less fulfilled by it because thoughts of stay-at-home-momdom have infiltrated my thoughts. What has really gotten to me is that I worked so extremely hard in school (my family will tell you that they were actually worried about me and how serious I was about school - I'm serious when I say I let it consume me), I'm paying off school loans that I took out so that I could attend graduate school, further my education and have an easier time advancing in my career... all so I could become a stay-at-home-mom??? It's pains me to think it could have been for "nothing".

I did a little researching on this topic, which I found there is lots, and found this quote: "My children are only young once; I can get a career later." I have to admit that this does make me feel a little bit better. There will always be time later in life to accomplish other goals you may have once had and sometimes some goals need to be put on hold while other goals are achieved.

Those school loans are going to be there for a while... and though I've told him that it's my debt, and mine alone and that I wouldn't think of asking him to help me pay them off (that's the independence speaking) the hubs will have to pick up some of that slack which leads me to wonder how finances will work... that's a whole other blog though...